Bad TheoryHammer: Novitiates (And an Explanation)

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 Bad TheoryHammer:  Novitiates (And an Explanation)


(Image Credit:  Bell of Lost Souls)

So, first, I'm going to explain why I've been away for a while.  I broke up a dog fight and lost a big chunk of my finger in the result.  It's okay and healing, I think, but it makes typing up stuff kind of hard.  I don't mean this to be an excuse or anything, but you know, just wanted people to know!

Also, to all the people who disagree with my analysis, wonderful!  I'm more than happy to have people disagree with me.  Please feel free to tell me how wrong I am.

Now, onto the actual article.

NOW AWRIGHT, YOO GROTZ!  LISSEN UP!  WE GONNA TALK ABOUT DEEZ GIRLZ WOT ARE PROPPA ORKY, BUT I DON'T KNOW WHAT GIRLZ ARE!  DEY CALL DEMSELVES SISTAZ, BUT WOT IS DAT?

DEY IS PROPPA ORKY BECAUZ DEY THINK THINGZ AND DEN DEY 'APPEN!  WOT IS MORE ORKY DAN DAT?

Novi...  whateva, dey get some cool stuff in general.  'ere's wot dey get and wot dey don't.
  • Dey is supa-weird.  Nobody knows wot dey do really.  Not even me!
  • Dey is supa-funny.  Dey can just say no to a lot of stuff.
  • Dey is tankia den yoo fink.  Dey can 'eal demselves more den yoo imajine.
  • Dey 'ave sum really killy girlz.  Again, wot'z a girl?
  • Dey can turn all dere pistolz into proppa dakka.
  • Dey 'ave proppa burnaz!
Now, wot dey don't git!
  • Dey don't 'ave much dakka.  Dat's too bad.  Need enuff dakka!
  • Dey 'ave to do stupid stuff to get dere faith pointz.
  • Dat's about it.

Special Rules

Oi, so deze girlz get all dese faith pointz wot dey use to do stuff like 'ow red wunz go fasta and stuff, but dey get dem for being dumb and getting into bad fights.

So 'ere'z wot I'm gunna talk about rite now.  Yoo kan deal wiff it if yoo want.

Wivvout sum sort uv Narrative fingy, yoo are mostly getting faith points wot when you doo stoopid stuff.  Dat's okay, becuz dey ain't green and dey can do stoopid stuff, but yoo know, not proopa.

But den dey do somefin like making a bunch of lite shine down and den you can't dakka da won yoo wanted to dakka because yoo didn't fink to wear sunglasses, yoo bloody grot-fondla!

Dey can also reroll stuff woteva dey want becuz dey got doze extra pointz!  NOT FAIR!  I CALL CHEATA!  DEY IS WORSE DAN DE BLOOD AXES!

Operatives

Noviate Superior


(Imaj Kredit:  Da Sound Uv Music)

Oi, yoo didn't fink I wouldn't put a funny picha in 'ere?  Den yoo're wrong and dumb and a bloody grot!

Now, da Movva Superia is like a Nob for dese pinkies.  She tells dem wot ta do and she does all da best fings and gets da best kit.  She iz alwayz gunna 'ave a Plasma Pistol and a Powa Sword or whateva because ovverwise she just getz a bolta and who wantz wun uv does?  Plus when she does sumfin gud, she makez annuva girl go WITNESS ME and den goes MEDIORCER!  Yes, I made a joke.  Again.

Militant

(Image Not Found)

Yoo ain't takin' deze girlz evva.  Dey don't exist.  Yoo don't 'ave enuff Operatives to not 'ave da gud wunz in dere.  I made anuvva joke.

Penitent


(Imaj Kredit:  GW or Warhammer Kommunity.  Don't Care)

Now, dis girl is proppa choppy.  Da problem iz she is ded squishy.  If she getz inta where she kan just chop lotz of Boyz, look out.  But she needs ta git dere.  Blast 'er first.  Den blast 'er again.

Purgatus


(Imaj Kredit:  Warhammer400000.com, wot probably got it from GW)

Dis gurl is 'ot.  So 'ot she 'az ta drop it like it'z low low low low low low low low.  She 'az da apple bottom jeanz and da bootz wif da fur and da 'ole club woz lukkin at 'er.  Wait, wot in da Gork wuz I doin;?

Seriously, she 'az da best burna evva and I want ta get my 'andz on too or free of dem.  Not da gurlz (don't be dat Boy), but da Burnaz.  Dey are amazing, speshully if yoo do da extra stuff wiv dem.

Reliquarius


(Imaj Kredit:  Warhammer400000.com, wot probably got it from GW)

Now dis gurl iz just disrepectul.  She 'az someone ded up on a stikk (yeah, we do it too) and she makes it so when you shoot wun of 'er friends, dey shoot back.  Plus she can make it so yoo don't git to control wot you already 'ave.  She iz not nice!

Pronatus


(Imaj Kredit:  Warhammer400000.com, wot probably got it from GW)

See dis gurl?  DAKKA 'ER FURST!  DAKKA 'ER LOTZ!  MAKE DEM SPEND DERE STOOPID FAITH POINTZ ON PROTECTIN 'ER!  She will likely be sittin' 'round somewhere in da back goin' "I make da pointz and yoo use da pointz," so be sneeky and ambush 'er or sumfin.  Dis is more dan SHOOT DA MEDIC FURST.  Dis is SHOOT DA ONE WOT MAKES DEM GOOD FURST.

Preceptor


(Imaj Kredit:  Warhammer400000.com, wot probably got it from GW)

Dis gurl got da rite idea.  Not only is she ded choppy (bashy, I guess), but she also got da burny wiv 'er.  She can wreck your entire weekend ideas wiv dat fing and den go and sit down for a nice lunch wiv some wine and prayaz or sumfin.  I don't know.  Just fink she is proppa.

Hospitaller


(Imaj Kredit:  Warhammer400000.com, wot probably got it from GW)

Dis gurl iz da Painboy.  Dat'z all yoo need ta know.

Exactor


(Imaj Kredit:  Warhammer400000.com, wot probably got it from GW)


Dis iz da Runtherd.  She whipz up da gurlz so dey do more stuff.  She iz also pretty whippy in general, but kinda squishy, like most pinkiez are.  Pluz, don't like spending 1 APL to give anuvva 1 APL to sumwon else.

Duellist


(Imaj Kredit:  Warhammer400000.com, wot probably got it from GW)

Dis gurl iz like our Slasha Boy.  She tinks more choppy iz betta dan more dakka (Boy, are dey both wrong!).  She is supa-killy when she gets up dere, so she iz on da list uv tings ta be shot furst!  But da cup gurl has da priority!  Wun gurl, wun cup, all da dakka!

If you can't git around just blastin' da gurl in da face, at least she iz kinda squishy.  Also, why are dere so many of dem?

Dialogus


(Imaj Kredit:  Warhammer400000.com, wot probably got it from GW)

Dis gurl iz basically your Kommz plus she can do sumfin what messes up your dakka.  Dat is rood!  Don't do dat!  She 'az to be close ta do it, at least, and she ain't got much else.

Condemnor


(Imaj Kredit:  Warhammer400000.com, wot probably got it from GW)

Now dis gurl iz wot we call a Snipa.  She ain't da best Snipa evva, but she also 'az anuvva fing wot makes 'er useful and dat'z wot we call NERFIN DA BEAKIES!  If dere is a Beaky or a Golden Boy around 'er, dey can't do much.  Also, she makes da Weirdboyz go nutz, wot is alwayz gud for a laff.

Equipment

Dere ain't a lot ta talk about 'ere.  Most of dis stuff ain't dat good.  Put grenades on and maybe some stuff wot is like an Auto-Chastiza for your gurl wiv da big stikk maybe?  I don't know.  Maybe da one wot gives extra Gorky-Morky-bitz for your girls when yoo 'it a crit?

Ploys

Deze gurlz 'ave no respeck!  Dey look at dere pistolz and go "Nah, we can dakka all day" and dey can do it!  Alwayz 'ave dat ready, cause dere is a lot uv pistolz and dere iz nevva enuff dakka.

Dey 'ave a fing wot makes auto-shootaz inta boltaz.  Not a bad idea!

Dey make dere Burnaz more burny!  Wot'z not ta luv?  I fink deze girls need ta paint demselves green and join da WAAAGH!

Archetypes

Dey get Security.  Deze girls make Uncle Roja say HAIYAA!

Sample Kill Team (Becuz da Rosta iz Just Smash Brothaz)

Superior (Plasma Pistol and Power Sword)
2x Purgatus
Reliquarius
Pronatus (SHOOT HER FIRST!)
Precptor
Duellist
Penitant

Please note:  I'm switching back to the normal voice here because I want to make something clear.  I prefer teams with strongly-mixed melee and ranged abilities and as such I am completely biased.  Some people will completely disagree with me including these three on the list, but some might agree.  Your opinion is your own, and it is entirely valid.

Hospitaller
Condemnor

And yes, I was somewhat dared to do Novitiates in Orky voice because they believe things and it comes true (which is proppa Orky!).  Hopefully you can handle it!

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